Numbing
by FlameTwirler
Summary: KakaSaku. Sakura is dealt one death too many and comes close to slipping over the brink. Is Kakashi, having experienced nearly the same, the only one who can bring her back from the edge? Together they eventually re-learn what it means to live.
1. Chapter 1

Numbing by FlameTwirler

* * *

Chapter 1

* * *

Shizune looked up from the trauma patient she was working on when she heard Sakura call the time-of-death for the injured shinobi on the next stretcher.

One of the squads out on mission had been ambushed and a retrieval detail had brought them back only about an hour earlier. Three had been declared dead on arrival. Five others had been shut in that room with Sakura and herself as they'd poured every ounce of chakra into them, attempting to save them.

Shizune had seen Sakura gravitating toward Haji, wanting to work on him, but she'd intervened. They had five patients and she couldn't afford to allow Sakura to push all of her effort and waste all of her chakra in case he turned out to be too far gone to be saved. Unfortunately, from one look she guessed that was the case so she'd taken him on herself.

She didn't know much about the relationship between Haji and Sakura, just that they'd been out on a single date the week before. She had no idea the type of feelings Sakura harbored for the shinobi but she could feel the younger woman's eyes burning into her back while she worked fervently on him. She should have scolded her for taking even the smallest amount of her attention away from her own patients – after all, since Haji's situation was so perilous and they had an uneven number of patients that meant Sakura was going to be working on three as opposed to her own two – but she trusted in Sakura's dedication. She wouldn't let her concern for a friend get in the way of her duty.

Still, as she heard Sakura call out the time-of-death for the first unfortunate shinobi, then again for the next only ten minutes later, Shizune knew that her own was a lost cause. The next patient she had lined up was in much better shape but was quickly going critical with the lack of care and she knew she was only pushing so hard about Haji for Sakura's sake. Deep inside she knew he'd already slipped away from them around five minutes earlier. It broke her heart to have to do such a thing with Sakura in the room but she finally declared Haji's death and handed him off to the orderlies who would move his body to the morgue.

While cleaning herself off and moving to her next patient she risked a quick glance at the other medic. To her credit Sakura was still working furiously on her patient, not allowing her own feelings to hamper her ability to help another shinobi. Shizune welled with pride at the strength of the young kunoichi even as she shook her head in sympathy. She wasn't sure she could have handled such a situation with anywhere near as much composure.

Once turned back to her own work she actually winced when she heard Sakura call the time-of-death for her last patient. From the moment the injured shinobi had entered the hospital she'd known they'd had little to no hope of survival but she'd hoped at least one of Sakura's patients would make it through. She knew Sakura was sure to beat herself up even more now that not only had Haji died but so had every single patient under her care.

After a moment though she realized she'd heard something odd in Sakura's voice. Her own patient was doing well enough that she knew he was going to make it, though she didn't envy him his next week of recovery, so she risked another glance at her pink-haired coworker.

Sakura's face was blank, carefully neutral as she stripped off the protective clothing that had gotten blood on it. Something about her reaction struck Shizune as wrong but she couldn't put a finger on it. Sakura quickly scanned the only patient left in the room, and seeing Shizune had everything under control, turned to leave the trauma section. A part of her wanted to follow her compatriot out the door, to make sure she was okay after such a long, hard day. It was always taxing on them to watch fellow shinobi die, regardless of whether they'd known each other or not, but a friend or possible lover?

Shizune shook her head. There was nothing for it; she had a patient to take care of and that was always priority. She'd have to trust that Sakura was either strong enough to deal on her own or smart enough to seek out one of her many friends to help her through the night.

* * *

When Kakashi came to the memorial and saw her sitting there his stomach churned. The sky was sunny and her pink hair shone too brightly, too brilliantly for a place such as this. Everything about it seemed out of place and he suddenly wished her gone, annoyed at her presence.

Whether the annoyance was directed _at_ her for impeding on his time at the memorial or if it was _for_ her and the fact that she might actually have reason to be there – if she wasn't there just to badger him again - he wasn't sure. All he knew was that something shifted inside him and it felt…off.

Sakura apparently felt his irritation and didn't want to disturb him - she knew his time at the memorial was precious to him, understood now more than he'd imagine – so as he crouched down she immediately stood and brushed herself off. Without looking at him she called out a simple "Goodbye, sensei" as she walked away.

The empty tone of her voice had Kakashi swiveling his head her way, almost willing himself to see inside her head. That kind of voice, the way she was holding herself, the fact that she'd called him _sensei_ when she hadn't called him that in years…it all was simply not Sakura, not the emotionally over-charged kunoichi who was as passionate in her sadness as she was in her happiness.

For a split second he felt guilty for the way he'd reacted to her presence but then shrugged it off just as quickly. She was just too bright to be butting into his dark little corner of the world; someone like her didn't fit, didn't belong.

He wasn't sure if her visit had been yet _another_ one designed to try and break him out of his long-ingrained habit or if she had some other reason for being there. In the end he decided it didn't really matter. He knew if something was really amiss he'd know before long. She'd never been the kind of person who could bottle something up inside for any lengthy period of time.

Besides, even if something truly was plaguing her she'd get over it soon enough. If she could live through Sasuke she could survive anything.

Gaze turning back to the stone his eyes automatically wandered past all the names of those he'd known and loved, those whose lives had been erringly entrusted to him, then settled on the grass for another somber afternoon alone with his thoughts.

* * *

**A/N: **Well here's an attempt at a new story. Going to be a lot more philosophical so it'll be an interesting journey.

Edit: Rewrote the first scene 12/07/08 - just wanted to change the perspective a bit.


	2. Chapter 2

Numbing by FlameTwirler

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Chapter 2

* * *

Kakashi didn't see Sakura for the next few days and the small episode nearly faded from his mind. Besides, there were other things that filled his thoughts.

This day, however, he felt safe in the guarantee of solitude. The skies were emptying everything they held on his poor little town and most people were scurrying indoors. Kakashi, on the other hand, always felt a pull in those quiet moments as if it was a singular signal to him alone and he reveled in getting to ponder old memories without the threat of an audience.

He made his way sedately to his usual haunt, not bothering to shield himself from the pouring rain, but he noticed something out of place. Barely discernible through the grey mist of the water drenched air, he saw a figure huddled directly in front of the cenotaph, and though the rain muted the color of her hair, nothing could completely disguise it.

He couldn't rouse himself enough to feel perturbed at her invasion, instead only a vague curiosity rose in him. It puzzled him as to why she'd return, at a time such as that none the less, so despite himself his attention remained on her as he approached and sat. She'd obviously been there for a while already; she was soaked through, her breath was fogging, and her skin was paler than normal. She didn't seem to mind, and he didn't think it his place to admonish, not when he would be in the same state himself soon.

Still, she looked so out of place, so sedately not herself. Legs curled up against her chest, chin on her knees, arms around her shins, balling herself into the smallest amount of space possible, her eyes gazed unseeing at the stone in front of her. Even with his sharingan he was unable to discern whose name she mourned, so unfocused were her eyes.

No matter though. Her affairs were her own and if she ever did decide to share then that was her business. For a short moment he debated the merits of speaking to her but decided against it. He of all people knew that some things were meant to stay private. Besides, truth be told, he wasn't up for carrying anyone else's burdens just then. His own always seemed to become monumentally heavier with the added weight the rain brought to the air.

Seeing as she didn't seem intent to bother him he shrugged off Sakura's presence and settled far enough away to give them the illusion of privacy through the thick veil of the pouring deluge.

Time passed in the way it only did at the memorial and Kakashi wasn't at all aware of whether it had only been a few minutes or hours when Sakura turned to face him. Her eyes stopped him dead; they were cold and so empty that he couldn't stop the quick flashing image of her lying dead, name prepped to be put on the self-same memorial, and all the breath left his body in one great rush.

To his relief she turned away from him again and left only a few minutes later, leaving him reeling and even more introspective than normal.

* * *

After two weeks of watching her student Tsunade knew that something was wrong. She didn't get to spend much personal time with her since her duties kept her constantly busy but it was obvious that something had snapped in the younger kunoichi, and she could only hope it hadn't broken irrevocably.

All shinobi went through such transitions. It was inevitable when they all faced death constantly, had to treat all strangers and even some friends with a level of distrust because of the high incidence of spies and traitors. Then of course there were the moral questions over the ambiguous nature of their own profession, their way of life. It was different for everyone but each shinobi went through hell and had to fight his way back to sanity.

Tsunade almost hadn't made it. She'd almost fallen apart at the death of her little brother but had held on since she had such strong supporters around her. Dan's death had been too much though and she'd broken, gone so far that she'd had to turn her back on her chosen profession because of her paralyzing fear of blood. It was decades before she came out of her self-induced stasis and that was only because her village had come after her, all but shoving obligation down her throat.

Part of her still resented the imposition but most of her appreciated having something to work for again, something to ground her, something worth living for – even if the paperwork did occasionally make her want to kill herself and more often than not drove her to mind-numbing inebriation.

Sakura had now been her student for years, though only in name really, as it had been a long time since she'd had something to really teach the girl about technique. Now it was all about how to mold that skill in life and how to live with the consequences of each decision – something she preferred to stay out of since looking back on her life she knew she hadn't exactly taken the best paths offered and knew her decision making skills were still faulty on a personal level.

Only a year into Sakura's apprenticeship Tsunade had started hearing the rumors about how team seven was repeating history, becoming the new san-nin, following in their footsteps. It had scared her for them; she never wanted anyone to have to live with the kind of close betrayal that she and Jiraiya had, but it seemed she was too late to be worrying on that account. The past was done and she could only hope the two left behind found a better way to cope than they had so many years prior.

It seemed just another repeat though as she saw what was now happening with the kunoichi she'd come to feel very protective of. She'd seen the bleakness in Sakura's eyes which worried her. Even after searching for Sasuke again, coming home broken, heart bruised, her eyes had been full of pain but never this seeming nothingness.

She'd hoped it would blow over. The benefit of Sakura's explosive emotions was that she never really bottled anything up for too long. She would rage out her anger or sadness, even drink out her depression – a trait she had the chagrin to she wish she hadn't passed on – but then her equilibrium would return. It was an impressive, if dangerous coping mechanism and Tsunade was grateful that it made her student so easy to read, so easy to teach and mold, so easy to know how to respond to.

This time though she had seen none of Sakura's typical response. After hearing of the incident where Sakura had seen the death of almost an entire team, not to mention at least one friend, she'd expected to be dealing with a moping medic for the next week. Yet the complete lack of any type of response made her initially wonder if Sakura had gone into some sort of shock. The fact that it had lasted this long threw that theory out the window just as it increased her worry exponentially.

The reports back from colleagues in the hospital had just been much of the same. Sakura was infamous for her ability to shoot to an irate anger with no warning but that was tempered with a care that had won her a place in the hearts of all her coworkers. Many had sent notes to Tsunade about Sakura's state of mind, concern lacing each of them at how she'd become almost a living zombie – so she knew she wasn't alone in worrying that something was seriously wrong with her apprentice.

Sighing heavily, knowing this would not be a pleasant meeting, she sent Kotetsu to go find the girl and bring her to the hokage's tower. It was time they were due for a little chat.

Promptly ten minutes later Sakura arrived in her office, and Tsunade worked not to show her worry at the blank, almost hard look on the kunoichi's face as she took a seat in the chair on the other side of the desk.

Tsunade cut straight to the point, knowing the kid-gloves wouldn't get them anywhere and at worst would just aggravate her. "Sakura, what's wrong?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about, shishou."

After almost two weeks of waiting for a meltdown, explosion, or simple reaction of any kind Tsunade had just about had enough. She was past thinking Sakura was going through the normal grieving process or throwing a tantrum: something was _wrong._ She was concerned, as a friend, mentor, boss, and Hokage. The only thing keeping her from locking the girl up was that she was still physically fine, as she herself had made her go through a physical the day prior. Still she just wasn't acting normal, even considering the circumstances.

"Sakura, you've been overworking yourself and as any medic knows overtaxing your system is hardly conducive to one's health, physically or mentally." She sighed and prepared herself for the fight she was sure to come. "I'm ordering you to take a leave of absence."

Watching Sakura's eyes light with horror tugged at Tsunade's heart but made her feel a guilty sense of relief that at least she was finally showing something.

"No, shishou, you can't do that!"

"Something's off with you Sakura – you're not doing yourself any favors here!"

"Have any of my patients complained?"

The Godaime paused at that.

"Has my success rate gone down? Have any of the other medics said anything about this affecting my abilities with the patients? I passed my physical yesterday – I'm _needed_ here. You know we're always short on medics!"

The blonde woman belatedly noticed the thinly veiled panic in her apprentice's eyes and finally realized she must be using her work both as her escape and to keep her rooted. Too often people going through tough times lost sight of what they cared about and allowed themselves to float off into oblivion. If this was what Sakura needed to cope, then she'd allow it.

"Fine, you can stay on."

The relief was palpable as the pink haired kunoichi slouched slightly in her chair, the alarm gone from her face, though Tsunade detected a hint of panic still remained, hidden.

"You can remain on staff as long as you keep up to standard." She held up hand to forestall the rebuttal she saw forming on Sakura's lips. "I know you want this but I can't put patients at risk. If there are any slip-ups you'll go on leave even if I have to force you out myself. It'll always be here for you when you come back."

She noted that same blank look came over Sakura's face again and wished she could delve into it with her but knew Sakura wouldn't give up the information easily. When such wounds often took weeks or months to heal one short conversation with a superior wasn't likely to do much good. Even then she didn't think it ever fully went away. In her own case while her sense of duty had put her right she could still sometimes feel the dull ebb of pain inside her.

She hadn't seen a reaction quite like Sakura's before and knew it would take further time to figure out how to help her – but unfortunately a hokage never had time. The duty to the village overall was primary, individuals secondary, no matter what her heart screamed at her during times such as this. Besides, she knew the medic well enough to realize that she wasn't ready to share her thoughts yet, if she even understood them herself.

"That being said, if you want to keep busy I'm putting you on the evening shift. With all the missions scheduled to be coming back it'll be good having one of my top-medics covering it. Agreed?"

The younger woman nodded, slightly relieved. Statistically evenings were filled with more patients – both from shinobi trudging to get home from missions, pushing themselves to the last, and from increased civilian accidents in the poor light. With any luck she'd be able to keep herself busy with the less serious cases. She appreciated her shishou's effort to pacify her and keep her mind occupied. Slowly she rose to go, pausing when Tsunade's voice called her at the door.

"Sakura…please take care of yourself."

* * *

Kakashi had been nearing burnout on the field - actually he had been for ages - but the hokage had finally mandated a forced leave, muttering something about too many people around her cracking up. He didn't mind too much. He thrilled in the job, of being of use to his village, to those he could protect in the process, and most of all the way his mind was cleared of everything but the mission, but he missed getting to visit old memories.

Since he was on 'vacation' he was getting to vent the attic so to speak every day and as such he was noting a distressing occurrence. More often than not he arrived at the memorial to find Sakura sitting docilely in the field. He wasn't touted as a genius for nothing though and quickly discovered that his little friend, as organized as ever, had made a schedule for herself. She came to the memorial every day at exactly 11am, which made sense as he'd heard she'd taken up the night shift at the hospital.

Realizing this he figured he could avoid her if he truly wished but he didn't see the point. There were a number of names on the memorial so he could never really guarantee privacy. Not only that, but to completely work his schedule around one pink-haired kunoichi not only cramped his style but also made him wonder why he'd go to such extremes to avoid an old teammate. Besides, he found he didn't mind her presence nearly as much as he'd thought. Instead it was actually growing to be companionable to have her there, though it could never be completely comfortable considering what they were there for.

And he'd still as of yet to figure her out...though he supposed that could just be because he hadn't really spent that much mental power on it yet. Why bother when he knew she'd be moving on before long?

Shrugging it off he settled himself down in the warm grass for another lazy afternoon.

* * *

Edited 12/07/08 to add sections


	3. Chapter 3

Numbing by FlameTwirler

* * *

Chapter 3

* * *

Sakura came upon him quite abruptly as he stepped into the clearing at the same instant as she did. A slow wariness settled around her shoulders as she watched him sit, then she chose a patch of grass nearer to him than she would normally dare in the silence of the cenotaph. She stared at him a while, contemplating, though Kakashi hardly acknowledged the gesture. Finally, she cocked her head to one side and spoke.

"Is it worth it?"

He turned quickly to her and she seemed startled by her own voice. She was agitated as well, as if she hadn't meant to speak aloud. Quickly she looked away from him and, while he did search her face for any hint of her meaning, he allowed her her own mind. She, however, was too disturbed by her momentary lapse and after only a moment, left the clearing. Kakashi gazed at her retreating back, wondering.

The next day was nearly a repeat of the one prior. The Copy-Nin came upon her already in the clearing and they sat in comfortable silence a while. Without lifting her gaze though, Sakura suddenly asked him, "Is it worth it?"

A moment passed before he answered, "Is _what_ worth it?" He wasn't a top shinobi for nothing, hadn't stayed alive as long as he had without some sense of cunning. He thought he understood what she was getting at but she had to be willing to say it out loud, admit to it before she'd actually be willing to merit any answer given by him, herself, or anyone else.

He looked at her askew when she didn't elaborate, gazing back to the stone when it was clear she wouldn't.

They continued their dance in five meetings over the next week and a half until Kakashi was at his end. Normally he was a patient man but he had no leniency with someone who was being evasive and merely playing at a game. If she didn't explain herself the next time they met he wasn't sure if he'd tackle her and force her to tell him or if he'd drop his end of the questioning and simply ignore her altogether.

It was raining again the next time he saw her at the memorial, as it did so often in a country as lush and green as theirs. The downpour had softened substantially by the time he arrived, the light pitter-patter providing a quiet music after the deafening roar.

He waited her out, drawing out the mist-clouded morning until she was comfortable enough to start their exchange again.

"The life of a shinobi."

She surprised him as she answered his question straight off, though it did please him as he was sick of hearing the same mocking words again and again. She stirred, as though getting ready to stand, but he stilled her immediately.

"Don't, Sakura. It's time to stop dodging. Say what you want to say."

She situated herself again, drawing a deep breath at what she would say, what – as he put it – she wanted to say, though she had to argue she certainly didn't desire any of the questions currently burning inside her. She settled on letting out whatever came, even if it was gibberish, just to get it out. She knew if there was one person she could trust to not judge her or belittle her musings it was Kakashi.

"It's painful to live like this, to see the gritty side of life day after day. Life could be so much easier. I could get myself set up in Ino's flower shop – no real life and death situations there. Heck, if I wanted to, I could even set up my own private medical practice, do family medicine in some posh neighborhood and get rich in the meantime."

She didn't have to look at him to see his quelling look, feel the heavy weight of the words behind it, because it was something she'd told herself time and time again as well.

"Don't worry, I know that couldn't ever happen now. There are too many people I love going into potentially fatal situations every day." She had to pause a moment to gather herself.

"My not being there with them wouldn't help shield them, wouldn't keep them from getting hurt. On the contrary, all I _can_ do is offer my chakra in the best and most useful way possible. Part of me just wishes that it wasn't necessary. Actually, a lot of me wishes that."

Kakashi's attentive silence encouraged her to continue.

"I don't want to be any part of war, of death and violence, but it's inevitable. Even if we don't go out to seek it it just comes to us. There have to be people to defend the village from invaders and the people need a reliable source of income that comes from the outsourced missions. If we didn't step up and do the dirty jobs then there would be civilian casualties and that's even worse. At least we understand what kind of line of work we're in and go in with that knowledge.

"I guess it's just…ignorance is bliss, ya know?" A tiny wistful smile twisted her face with muscles Kakashi hadn't seen used in over a month.

"If I didn't know about the constantly waging wars maybe I could set up that private practice. If I didn't know how many people died daily would it still hurt as much? The point is I'm not ignorant – haven't been since I signed up at the academy and the last of it was probably taken when _he_ left. So I could never be anything other than a kunoichi now. But if this is the right choice then why is it so empty?" She turned bleak eyes on him and he didn't know what to say, not when he was plagued by some of the same questions.

"Is life just a quick succession of saying goodbye to loved ones and waiting until it's your turn to die and make everyone else sad for leaving them behind?"

She paused a long, tense time before dropping her final question, one that hit Kakashi's gut with a dull thud.

"Is it better to distance myself from everyone else now so that I don't break when they die, and so that no one will miss me when I inevitably go?"

Kakashi was staring so hard at the grass at her feet that he barely noticed when she left, her words echoing in his mind, mirroring long ago decisions that sounded so wrong to be coming from someone so _bright_.

* * *

Naruto had finally tracked her down, cornering her in her apartment, but now he didn't know what to do with her. First thing after the induction ceremony to put Haji's name on the cenotaph she'd become so evasive he'd barely caught sight of her. That wouldn't have been enough to sidestep him for long, as he wasn't about to leave her alone when she most needed him despite her outright ignoring him, but duty had called and he was assigned to an ANBU mission he just wasn't able to turn down. Coming back he spent yet another few days searching her out. At first he'd been elated, thinking she had to be doing better if she was working the busy shift at the hospital, but now that he was with her she was like _this. _

Still, Naruto was nothing if not persistent and he wasn't one to let things get him or his friends down. So he tagged along all day as she ran errands, jabbering in her ear, dragging her to Ichiraku, going so far as to purposely do things he knew would annoy her, but…_nothing!_

He pulled out some of the best of his arsenal, performing his widely-touted Sexy no Jutsu, for which she always violently beat him (or suffered a nosebleed depending on which version he chose), and he prided himself on being such a good friend to go to such lengths as to sacrifice his own personal safety and likely land himself in the hospital. She just stood blankly, looking right through him as though he were the wisps of smoke barely concealing his female body.

It was about that time he finally realized that something was truly wrong with his normally fierce pink-haired kunoichi. Since nothing he was doing seemed to be solving her problem or forcing her to crack a smile he figured he'd just do what he could for now and be as supportive a friend as he could for the rest.

That didn't mean he was giving up on drawing her out though…he just needed more time to plan the ultimate diversion…

* * *

**A/N:** Just a heads up that I changed the first two chapters. For those who read before 2/18/09 you may want to re-read. Same info, just presented in a different light.

Now for random author musings that you can feel free to skip:

I've had this story written for over a year but I didn't think the way I'd written it was particularly viewable or palatable to readers. I personally liked it but I understood it because I had written it, ya follow? I kept planning to rewrite it in a more narrative style but I just haven't gotten around to it and sorta doubt I ever will. That saying I like the story too much to let it dither away in the recesses of my hardrive so hopefully the rest will be coming out relatively soon. Here's just hoping it makes competent sense to others as well, haha.

So on that note, on with the show!


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